You dont want your kids thinking, whats so wrong with dad that he warrants this rejection. If it was mutual, your fault, his fault. I think you should address why you feel uncomfortable around him to the extent that you are unable to spend a few hours with him on holidays etc. My mom has gone as far as telling me thats it is my fault and Im at fault for the feelings I have, my family wanted nothing to do with my ex until the death of my twin. If the man is a good man, naturally family is going to surround him. He would not leave, so I needed to go. I am saddened but grateful to have found this post by chance. But it hurts like hell. I get that hes been around for a long time and they want to continue being friendly with him. I would not throw away Thanksgiving with my family because my ex is there. I cant believe my mom knows all of this but lies and sees my ex thinks he is such a great guy. Shame on him for thinking its okay to do what he is doing. What was I supposed to do? Your email address will not be published. I would blow up whenever my ex would get into contact with my dad or something like that. I remember as a small child going to that house for holidays, summer vacations and what not. There is an unhealthy dynamic in a family that clearly crosses boundaries that normal/functioning families know not to cross. We divorced after 18 years, and my family shunned me for the next six years while embracing him because I filed for divorce and they dont believe in divorce. Hanna* agrees. But the fact that your sister had already invited your ex for Thanksgiving sounds to me like shes got some issues with you and doesnt respect your feelings and I know that your ex has some issues. I'd mention it to Tom if it bothers you. Why would he even want to punish you like this? Literally, they broke us up after the wedding date was set. The 800 pound gorilla in the room that no one seems to be addressing is- maybe her family has reasons for liking the ex more than her. If they dont respect your feelings at least you will know where you stand with them. I absolutely agree with Your view however I myself still struggle with this decision. My kids ask about it they see it and it hurts them. Their parents will always have a connection and shared duties because they are still their childrens parents but you should be her priority over the ex. And you dont have to accept invites. By this time my ex was going thru the motions of pretending to want me to get back with my daughter, but it was smoke and mirrors. She is still included in family emails, her birthday is acknowledged, gifts are. How does this happen? React Reply Most Helpful Opinions lumos Follow Master Age: 27 , mho 55% +1 y Why do you expect them to like you better than someone who they know and have a relationship for longer than you? Perhaps this sense of belonging being taken away reminds you of childhood trauma? If thats a bad thing? It takes two to make a relationship work and I hate this stereotype of if someone left they deserve poor treatment and the person who stayed is the victim. So now Ive lost yet another sister and her kids whose daughter hasnt seen my ex in 5 years but invited him to her wedding. Im such a positive and optimistic person too!!! The movie clueless had a great quote about this related to step children, when one of the characters complains to her father about his spending time with an ex-step-brother, the father respond by saying, we divorce children not spouses or at least that my memory of where the quote comes from. 9. Theres nothing wrong with them still being friendly with your ex, but to take it to the point where theyre spending holidays with him and bbqs with him and hanging out all the time. It completely sucks for anyone to see a person you love and made life with suddenly want you out of it to get married to a complete tool you where previously suspecting your SO of cheating on you with because you where out making money for the family. He now has a new partner and she has visited my mothers home attended family dinners and spent Xmas with my family while he was interstate visiting our daughter and grand children. Every week it is something else with the guy and every week my wife finds herself defending herself with her family. Well it boils down to your family being dysfunctional in the first place. What good is your family if they make you feel a certain way around them. So, I get you! I had a stroke and Im supposed to not have stress and this really gets me so angry. Of course.I would welcome them speaking to her. This is exactly where the problem lies. They form bonds. We stopped talking again because I just felt so betrayed. Tom talks to Nina when he sees her and they get along very well, but I cant help feel jealous. Hes in it for the gain of what my mother will leave him. I have a similar story. MY family STILL invites her to family functions, and 80% of the time she comes. The day the couple got married, they became his family. I hope everything works out. last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, I was shocked again and confused to see my husband. But they still text each other often (he wont block her) and occasionally meet with each other (she wont leave him alone?). My ex-husband left to Mexico, so he never paid child support; left me with bills galore, but ironically still continued visiting my family members, whom knowingly knew, how he treated his family.. Such a slap in the face! My ex-wife divorced me with no reason after 29 years of marriage. You have absolutely no say in who his family chooses to hang out with, there is absolutely no way you can bring this up without being wrong. Those that do are weak and lack a moral conscience. They are treating him as part of the family. I dont know what to do Im caught in the middle and stand by my wife 100%. It's not so straight forward is it. I had a similar issue recently where my husbands family came into town, went to his sisters sons graduation and didnt tell him what day they were coming he couldnt understand why everyone was so quiet about the details. Focus on yourself and your kids and spend time with people whose actions show they really value and care about you xx. My ex-husband was mentally abusive to me, I finally divorced hi, and it makes me sick my family is still kind to him. I should just get over it. This is why I never got close to my in-laws. What he doesnt realize is that he is hurting his children because he is hurting you and knowingly coming in between you and your family..unless he is a complete moron, he knows exactly what he is doing. After we broke up he kept going over to my families house and visiting them a lot. But guess what? Recently divorced myself. "name": "Does it hurt to see your family keep meeting your ex? ", People seem to think sometimes that youre supposed to step up to the plate and forgive and bite your tongue and get along for the sake of the kids but its so hard. You cant face people to do what you want them to do, but this behaviour could cause a major rift in your family leading to toxic feelings of resentment and eventually end up in YOU cutting ties with your family in order to protect yourself. If you try to make them be loyal like a normal sister or mom they will only become bigger liars than they already are. Or have you never had a job? My ex got my family in the divorce so I know exactly how you feel. There can be many reasons for your boyfriend to keep his ex's pictures on his Instagram. Her mother helped her along in her disowning me of course. The safety and comfort of your family might be the catalyst for this new and evolved relationship you can have with your ex, for your childrens sake. Bottom line, any family member that would invite a monster ex to a family gathering without approval of the person it effects; are #1 mean-spirited bullies and proved themselves as such to all those attending the event. Before we married, he told my husband he was very upset we werenttelling his ex-wife according to his standard and timeline. To this day Im still dealing with the exact same situation youre in. If they still choose to be friends with him, they have made a conscious decision whose side they are on. They never showed much interest in my brother or his children and after I ended contact they quickly lost what little interest they had. But her Ex continued to let me babysit for him. You, as a sister, should not make your family cut ties with your ex. And I think your ex needs to back off. He began to live down the street, has stalked me for 11 years and started a business in the neighborhood club I belong to. I have no issue with the fact that you get along with the ex but this is going just a little bit too far. When I was married to my ex he always tried to start controversy with my dad and my dad wasnt crazy about him. You choose to break your marriage vows then you also choose to break the design and purpose of a marriage. I not only lost her, but her kids were like my own. What has gone on has devastated my life and I have been unable to move on. That should be the major factor in this situation. I think these comments are horrid, maybe I missed something but Jesus, try to look at this from the guys perspective, you have full custody of HIS KIDS, theyre not just yours, just because hes more financially set and has an actual love life doesnt mean you have any right to allow your jealousy to hurt him. You have to remember that they were his family too for 13 years. I still love my husband so very much. My dad has passed. "Communicate openly with friends and family of your ex . Even in university and growing up, If I broke up with a guy my friends would be expected not to keep ties with him and they would have to pick. Why would you have important family gatherings, and isolate your own sister or brother? She feels just as hurt as I do. But now my father told me that he and my mom want to be friends with him and they dont care that it bothers me! "I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than 3 years. spot on exactly. Not sure how to get out of this! At day's end, you're an ex of her brother's, not the first and certainly not the last, and he is her brother forever. I do NOT understand why family does not support family and you and your feelings should be the priority, not your ex. It is jot easy but it had to be done for my own sanity and peace. Your entire family has picked your ex husband over you! You presumably made the decision? I empathize. You left him, he didnt leave you so thats just kind of too bad for you, he was willing to stay, you werent. When you havent been brought up with healthy love you tend to attract monsters. Many Trans also believe it is child abuse. June 6, 2016 Adapted from an online discussion. How can I get him to think of me instead of his ex? The bright side is that your children are not missing him or all that he used to be involved in. Im wondering, Is he still thinking about his ex?. We were trying for a baby he wasnt sure about, but they have had one. Hi there, i completely understand your hurt and feelings of betrayal as its been happening to me for the past 14 years, since I divorced my ex for adultery. I listen to their stories and hold back the tears until Im alone because I dont want them to feel bad or think that they are doing anything wrong. Perhaps they will understand when they are standing in your shoes. Do/did you ever spend time with them outside of hollydays. First of all your sister is being unreasonable! All these ignorant people soothing and comforting you are ignorant to your covert narcissist bullshit, but there will always be woke/enlightened empaths such as myself that will set free all the unfortunate souls that you put in a box via compartmentalization for a never ending source of narcissistic supply. Your family is beyond disrespectful in spending that sort of time with your EX husband. Were just human being. So I sit by and watch him get his do over Dont worry about doing the right thing for your kids The right thing for your kids is a geninuenly happy mom. They only know your Ex because of you I have No family loyalty to me, even worse my daughter. I did not see that you have talked to.your family or to him about any of this. I explained to her thati need a safe support space separate from him. And I dont mean after the first two months. Im sorry to hear you are being shut out. I think he really does love me. She continues to insist that we dont talk to her Ex. If we dont have a certain family code of behaviour then what is even the point of family? If the ex-wife has a problem with that, she can stay home herself. Suck it up, quit feeling sorry for yourself, quit being the victim and quit letting him have custody of your family. no matter what I said, they wouldnt listen. Other than my mom, they all are friends with him. My ex is still very much in every one of my family members lives. I didnt bring up the past but after 4 months of awkward phone calls on his side he refused to meet up with me even though i drove 100 miles to see him. over you. "If you are using your exs family to try and get back with your ex, or if your using your exs family so that you dont have to face the fact that youre not with your ex anymore, and youre actually single, thats not healthy for you," Masini says. "If your ex doesnt want you to be friends with his or her family, you should respect that and back off," Masini says. Why does the family like her much but their relationship didn't work out? Its so beyond sick, I can confidently say my family is extremely toxic and invalidating, so it sounds like the authors family is absolutely that as well. He used to call my friends and family in tears and my closest family member said :***** was a great guy but she broke him. The ex and the boyfriend's sister managed to become close, so whenever anything is going on with the family, she is invited. You might explain that since he has a girlfriend that he substitute her family for yours, that may mean that your kids go to her familys for Holidays on occasion but if she is going to be in the mother role than you may have to clear this up once and for all. I had to pull away from family of origin & create a life with friends to create boundaries & live a life away from their meanness.God can judge, and one day they will get his just rewards. Now he doesnt accompany you anymore. The manner in which my ex choose to end our marriage was very hurtful and harmful and his anger over having to pay me alimony has caused me much distress. You are not alone.. I can see them inviting him for like dinner or an outing unrelated to you,but not for family affairs such as holidays or any other occasion where you are attending simply out of respect & consideration for you. For one they are his kids too. weddings, parties, family functions. Idk but deep down I know there something going on. My only crime was loving too much and seeing the best in people that wasnt there. My children are grown have been divorced for years, my daughters continue their relationship with their father which I have no problem with but they are stepping over the line now. I feel betrayed by my siblings. I guess I maybe miss interpreted the post or my post was misguiding . He told me I was mean and crazy. It is quite apparent that your ex is doing this because he knows it is hurting you and your family is enabling him. He needs to get his own life and move on and get off your turf ! He and I dont communicate much at all although I am very respectful when I need to email him, but my daughter says she thinks he hates me and there is evidence of that. All fell on deaf ears, instead my daughter and I were outcasts. Even still, it can be best to give things time. I keep telling myself that someday they will see the true side of him. When I see couples whove divorced and remain friends with their ex and continue to parent, even with their new partners. Almost done! My best friend has changed has blocked me and wont see me anymore. I now realise its because of their own issues and judgements and when I look back despite how close I thought we were it was always me doing the work, excusing their uncaring behaviour. If they want a relationship with your ex, then they should do that outside of family functions that should include you! Mary asks me to communicate with the Dr. IYAYA. I see this is the old post but I HOPE someone answers! Man its sad seeing comments saying the family is out of line. Ultimately, through their friendship, they realized for themselves what type of person he was and left him alone. Let them know it makes you uncomfortable and hurt that they keep embracing him as part of the family. I did make up with them and tried to put it aside, in the hope they would start putting my feelings first and be loyal to me. Its hard to believe an ExEx convict with a stack of criminal records can take everything away for the sake of power and control. This is for you to get over, not for them to change. How much contact does he have with her, and in what way? Our relationship has never healed 6 years later. My point is there is more than family that can be lost from bitter feelings, that can last a lifetime. I'll bring the and soda, this will be fun to watch. You have been super women for your kids. Im still dealing with the bitterness particularly from my mother that she can not let go of. Cut them all out of your life you dont need to be putting up with that crap xoxo. He fought me on support as well. How disrespectful and unloyal of you to do this to your sister!! Be careful of the mask he wears!! Im sure she is not doing the same with her ex-in laws! Answer: This one is a little bit complicated because your boyfriend is basically doing the right thing by his family but it's slowly driving you crazy. Actually, when we got back together I found out they were going to my exes wedding, lol! However, there isnt peace about it, I miss my family and have no dealings with them whilst my ex husband is still around with another new girlfriend. They spend more time with him than with me as well. I didnt confront it until months later. Of stress and expectation of loyalty. You could draw the line and tell your boyfriend that you're not going to events as long as his ex is there. My problem is that his ex-live-in lover is still invited to all family functions, and he even invites her to his house for events like the 4th of July, Thanksgiving, and even Christmas. The time with your kids has been split. They knew then, as well as now, that I sure the hell am not spending holidays with my ex!! Its where Im at now. Give them a strong willed role model mother to look up to and respect. You shouldnt make them choose. Has anything improved since this post? They are aware of the concept of divorce. When it was time to divorce, which was oh so necessary, one of my aunts and one of my sisters listened to him bad mouth me. They have abused and betrayed you again and again and this is why you feel guilty you have been conditioned by their terrible treatment of you and your son to feel as though everything is your fault and that you still owe them. If your family is harassing your wife to the point of depression that is cruel to both of you and shows a complete lack of respect for both your feelings. What ever happened to family loyalty. But to see her now, and secretly, its a dagger. Despite the fact that the 30 something year old still continues to hate me. Who Is Naomi Osakas Boyfriend? The pain all of this caused is immeasurable. There is no jealousy because my partner knows that we are totally platonic, and that comfort came about after a series of frank and honest conversations. Now he is on his third wife. I told my bf he told me he misses his mom. How family can be so insensitive and how they can befriend someone who hurt their sister/daughter so much is beyond me. I do realise you cannot change other people only yourself and sometimes the most mature, healing path you can take is to recognise that even family are not always positive, loving, supportive people to be around and to try and take all the hurt feelings and channel them into something productive. Every time I pick them up, I hear the stories of what they did. They didnt live with him 24/7. She sucked quite a bit of money out of me over the years and completely destroyed my credit. Her ex is a deadbeat narcissist that hasnt paid a dime of support in years, yet her parents and one sibling and their spouse go out of their way to enable this guy to underperform on every level by continuing to help him out in various ways and spend time with him even paying for him and our kids to go on vacation with them when he has them. No sane man wants to make his girlfriend insecure. Im so disappointed in them. This is messed up. Where is the maturity in that??? Get a new boyfriend. It was easier to cut the ties and not hear them telling her to reconsider. I didnt expect to, they are HIS family, not mine. Sadly she will probably never be able to have insight into what shes doing wrong but i wanted to reassure you that how you feel is completely normal and although you are obviously distressed are handling it in a very mature manner. I am a better person now and have grown so much. I do not need my husband anymore he can go to hell with his child support that he never pays. did it all work out fantastic? Going through the same thing. And she needs to have a hart to hart with herself as to why she hates her ex so much. You stay strong and take the high road. My sister in law would not even know the woman!! Now I dont talk to my sister because I consider her to ba backstabber. Grow up! Im healing and in total rehabilitation of a very narcissist family . You should feel happy that his family are the type to grow bonds with the familial partners. However I like your point of moving past victimhood and playing them at their own game. You need to sit down with your sisters and mom and spell it out for them. Which is totally fine. Now, you might think that some paperwork changes that. Make the first few visits with the whole group on neutral ground, public places like parks, sporting events etc. "If your partner has regular dates with an ex, and they don't start [out] seeming like dates, but eventually they do, your relationship could be coming into jeopardy," she says. Well now that we are divorced its as though none of my family sees it. He is a classic narcissist. You sound like a narcissistic mom honestly. I feel desperate and every time I give my family opportunity to stand by me they fail to do the right thing. My family abandoned me at the time I needed them the most. Blood or otherwise, treat me badly & I cut the ties. 4 He Isn't Close to His Family. IA. This woman took my husband which was a total POS but now she is taking my family away from me as well. Maybe you should seek therapy and find happiness and respect for yourself! What good is your family is enabling him needs to back off least! 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